Saturday, July 12, 2014

Well that was Short Lived

And....
I get to my night job and they let me go.  No reasons given although I speculate that I just rubbed the manager the wrong way OR she wanted to give the hours to those she liked more

Am I upset? Slightly. Not that that particular job let me go, but that now I'm in a tight spot again for Bird.

Tomorrow starts the hunt again.  I am just so sick of this never getting ahead thing.  I need to get a degree or something, like a skill.  I may look Into dental hygiene

I'm so so tired.  Something has got to give.  I really am tempted to pack is up and go

Monday, June 30, 2014

Finally

I haven't been here for excellent reasons:

*I have a day gig
*I have a night gig!
*I'm spending free time with Bird.

That's right kids! Momma got herself 2 jobby-jobs! Both are part time and both are rather enjoyable. 

2 afternoon/evenings I work for a local dentist as a receptionist and 4 evenings/nights I work for a local off theater (as in Broadway-esq not movie).

The staff at both as well as the majority of the customers are quite nice and patient as I learn the systems and the jobs themselves aren't horrific.

I've noticed a huge change in Bird as well.  While she was just with me, we had affection issues but now? This kid is full of hugs and kisses and as soon as I walk in, I hear ,"Hi mommy!!"

Greatest feeling ever. Seriously. Although she is sleeping when I get home from the theater, she still snuggles closer than she had prior to my employment.   She is more cuddly with me and also is trying to play with me more.   It's kinda cool when you're constantly brought over for tea, to read a story or to help feed baby.  I really am loving it.

Financially,  I'm not sure where I am yet.   I deposited my first check from the theater and sadly, it's not a lot.  I do think it was only one weeks worth which is part of it (both are bi-weekly pays).  I have enough for the car right now,  and i will have to stagger the payments.   Hopefully, it'll work itself out.

I am feeling overall exhausted but like it's worth it.  Seriously,  hearing Bird call for me when I walk in makes it okay.  I don't feel guilty,  I don't feel bad.   She enjoys her new sitter and I see how happy Bird is with her.  Sadly, the sitter leaves for school in August and I'll have Bird (hopefully) in a local daycare.

Sunday, June 1, 2014

Master of Puppets is Pulling Your Strings

We've all seen those annoying TimeHop updates on our social media.

"Exactly ONE year ago Today!"

I too, have succumb to it and am now just as obnoxious as everyone else.  I saw the notification saying a new post was available and I checked it out.  There were some pregnancy ones, which I always enjoy seeing.  There were a few pictures of Bird from last year, which, my God! She has certainly grown!  Lastly, there was a post I made probably 3+ years ago gushing about how I found true love, how much we love each other, how perfect we are.

It got me to thinking about how, for as long as I can remember, I always needed a partner to validate my worth.  As long as they thought the world of me, I was golden.  I never had a moment of aloneness; even if we weren't 'dating' as long as someone next to me as I fell asleep, everything was okay.  Did it hurt when they weren't there in the morning?  Sure, for a second but that just meant I was able to be gushed over and swept off of my feet by a new person tonight.

I went back through Faceybook, searching for more of my asinine OMG I AM IN LURVEEEEEEEEEEEE posts and man oh man!  I found so many.  A pathetic amount.  As I re-followed my journey through sober and less rosy eyes, I noticed a pattern.

Love.
Super love.
Alone.
Worth fading.
Worthless.
Nothing.
Love.
OMG THIS ONE IS BETTER THAN THE LAST!
Meh.
Alone.
Worth Fading
Worthless
Nothing.

Over and over again, my happiness was apparently driven by the person I was with.  I allowed them to control my mood, my happiness, my self worth.  How stupid was I?  This wasn't love, none of it was.  It was infatuation, lust, longing and mostly filling in a void that I should have been able to fill myself.  These people didn't define me!  Fuck, they didn't even really know me!  How did I allow these lovers to play puppeteer?

I never realized just how much I needed to be needed, loved (or what I thought was love) and wanted. I allowed these voids to be filled by others, and in some cases, drugs.  Now?  I've been alone for nearly 3 years.

No, I haven't been alone.  I've been with my daughter.  I haven't dated, kissed or touched anyone in a romantic sexual way in quite some time and it's not bothering me.  I don't feel like I need to seek someone out to complete me.

Is it all because of Bird?  I think partially.  Perhaps 85% Bird, 10% Me, 5%just not caring.